20 movies remade for Trump 2.0

"Art must serve politics"

Saving Private Ryan

Tom Hanks dies on the beach with everyone else. Antifa is defeated by Hitler’s great generals, proving that only (what we now call) AfD could save Germany.

All the President’s Men

Woodward and Bernstein are tracking down leads linking the Watergate burglars and the President’s political operatives. Ben Bradlee calls them into his office to tell them he is ending the assignment at the direction of the Washington Post’s owner who doesn’t want to be seen as “taking sides.” The movie ends.

Far and Away

Two immigrants arrive from Ireland and struggle to make it in America, but they are not deported and thrive because they are White.

32 Years a Slave

Solomon Northup is a free African-American who is kidnapped in the north and sold into slavery in New Orleans. He remains there the rest of his life and dies in bondage. There was a time when America was Great.

Michael Clayton

At a U-North board meeting, Tilda Swinton proposes that the board approve a new settlement in the lawsuit. George Clooney confronts her in the foyer and goads her into offering him $10 million for his silence. He accepts. U-North continues marketing carcinogenic products.

Children of Men

Humanity is on the brink of extinction as all humans have mysteriously become infertile, sowing global chaos, depression and anti-immigrant violence. Hope for humanity is kindled when it is discovered that a young woman, Kee, is pregnant. But Kee is Black and so the police shoot and kill her because we can’t have that.

Tootsie

On live TV, Dorothy Michaels reveals herself to be Michael Dorsey. He is mercilessly mocked and attacked by Libs of TikTok and never works or loves again.

Killers of the Flower Moon

A White Oklahoma baron is orchestrating the deaths of Osage tribe members in order to take their land and the oil wealth underneath. The FBI starts to investigate but is ordered to stop by the Director because the baron donated $1 million to the President’s inaugural committee. The baron is appointed ambassador to France.

An American Tail

Fleeing pogroms in Eastern Europe, the Mousekewitzes board a tramp steamer for New York City. They are refused entry at Ellis Island and forcibly returned to Europe where they die in a concentration camp. Fievel did indeed drown, by the way.

Independence Day

Randy Quaid sacrifices himself by flying his fighter into the alien megaship’s core, revealing the way to defeat the alien invasion. The President directs General Gray not to share this key information with other militaries. Everyone else in the world dies. America First, at last.

Yentl

Yentl, living as a man, leaves for a trip to the city with Avigdor that will take him away from home for a few days. Yentl finally reveals her true identity to Avigdor. He turns her into the authorities who force her to dress and act according to the gender on her birth certificate. Yentl leaves Europe on a boat bound for the United States, where she marries an accountant who works for a famous New York real estate developer who likes to hire Jews because they’re good with money.

Alien Nation

In 1988, a spaceship bearing 300,000 enslaved aliens known as "Newcomers" lands in the Mojave Desert. The Newcomers express a wish to assimilate and contribute productively to society. The President orders a military strike on the ship killing all the aliens. The movie ends.

Coming to America

Prince Akeem, accompanied by pal Semmi, comes to America in search of a bride whom he can marry for love. Akeem and Semmi draw the attention of two NYPD officers who put them in chokeholds and they die. The officers are given the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

The Manchurian Candidate

A foreign government engages in a conspiracy to install a U.S. president friendly to its interests. Raymond Shaw abides by his programming and assassinates the presidential candidate. But the bullet grazes the ear of Senator Iselin who goes on to become President and invokes his near-martyrdom to gain emergency powers and establish a strict authoritarian regime.

300

Dilios reports to the Spartan Council of the great sacrifice by Leonidas and the 300. The Council’s leader (the one with business interests in Perseopolis) declares Leonidas a loser, expresses his admiration for Xerxes for ruling with an “iron fist,” and promises a Great Trade Deal with Persia, a deal so great you’ve never seen anything like it before.

West Side Story

In New York City in 1957, two teenage gangs compete for control on the Upper West Side. The Jets, a group of Whites led by Riff, brawl with the Sharks, Puerto Ricans led by Bernardo. Lieutenant Schrank and Officer Krupke arrive and arrest all the Sharks, who are sent back to their own country. Tony marries a nice White girl and has a happy life.

The Accused

Sarah Tobias agrees to prosecute the men responsible for raping her after her lawyer discovers a 911 recording of an eyewitness. When the eyewitness takes the stand, however, he denies seeing the crime, saying instead that “Sarah wasn’t hot enough to be raped.” It is later revealed that the eyewitness cashed a $130,000 check days prior to his court appearance. One of the rapists ends up being elected President of the United States. Twice.

Men in Black

Agents J and K work for a secret government agency whose job is to kill illegal extraterrestrial immigrants. After a citizen sees an alien, the agents use a neuralizer to make them buy the President’s commemorative coins and Bibles.

American History X

While in prison Derek becomes disillusioned with the Aryan Brotherhood. After release, he tries to convince brother Danny to disavow white supremacy, but instead Danny convinces Derek to rejoin the movement, and they go on to co-found the Proud Boys. After being pardoned by the President for January 6 convictions, Derek and Danny are nominated for senior positions in the Departments of Justice and Homeland Security, respectively.

The Matrix

Neo takes the red pill, revealing a hidden reality – a reality where the directors are required to be listed as Larrry and Andy Wachowski.